I paint what I love, have, desire and lessons I need to learned.
Art has been my diary. I can truly express myself and cope with what is going on around me and in my head. After creating a personal piece, I get to visual feel my thoughts and then deal with it head on.
In Buddhism (I am an SGI member, Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism) it is stated (re-wording it) that you are a reflection of your environment. So if you want to see change you have to start with yourself. Your life is your mirror, situations and obstacles with try to tarnish your mirror but your have to POLISH it everyday. It is hard work! My daily practice, faith, courage and art is what helps me to heal. In my opinion ART really makes you evolve and grow as a person.
I am sharing with you Scars Of My Past and I Played Myself
‘I played myself’ (2010) when I first named this piece, I knew some peoples minds would go the sexual route. It may have been part of why I titled it as such, subconsciously. This painting was to show how as women we play ourselves when it comes to relationships. We see the signs, yet we stay. We stay hoping that things will change, hoping that our optimistic mind state will rub off on them. We stay, get hurt then blame the other person. NOPE, that was our choice, our doing… we wrote the score to that musical. I played myself on and off for 5 years with the same women. Tough pill to swallow…. taking responsibility for your relationship and life choses. Easier when you can just point the finger and say “it’s your fault!”
‘Scars of my past’ (s2010 – c2012) deals with the emotional abuse we allow to effect us physically. I originally intended to write words such as trust, lies, anger, loyalty, esteem within the scars but decided not to. I started it around Oct 2010 and did not complete it until last month (July). It was a process and when I finally wanted to finish it, I started going through a repeat pattern. I was seeing me allow the same stuff from before to occur in my (at the time) relationship (actually my marriage to a women). I lost the drive and passion to paint, my semi depression was consuming me in a different way. I was fully functional, but I was not dealing with the problem. I went into survival mode, moving around life like I was ‘A OK’ that my marriage had ran its course and there was nothing I could do about it by myself. I finally dealt with how I felt and allowed myself to go through the emotional stages … I was able to finish it.
You can’t choose how you learn your lessons, so just appreciate the journey getting there. There are many things that I am about to embark upon, with that being said….. I have to be honest with myself and say that, if I did not go through the process of separating from my wife, the blessings I am being showered with now, may not/ would not be here or me see them clear as day. Us not working has given me back my love (painting), and given me the guts to open a studio in October. The relationship with her taught me how to LIVE. For that I am always grateful.